February 13th

To best explain the brain of a person diagnosed with lupus I figured I would give you information straight from the source.  I found my diary from high school and from it comes the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me, God!

Part of the reason I created this blog was to bring awareness to a disease that not too many people actually understand. I didn’t before I was diagnosed. I also want to create a place of understanding for those feeling lost. I wish I could talk to my sixteen year old self and say, don’t be afraid. While it pains me to reread my own sadness it’s something I wanted to share.

Here it goes:

why am I always sick? I’m sick of being sick.  How many things can go wrong at once.  I guess it’s funny that part of my disease comes with depression, why not? Sometimes I don’t know what to do.  I cried myself to sleep last night. I am emotionally destroyed and I wish I never got sick.

This was before my diagnosis, when I was giving blood like I was selling it on the black market of Bon Temps. This is one of the most challenging times for someone going through the early stages of diagnosis.

4/1

I’ve officially had lupus for 1 week. I should be thankful they found it early.  I can’t though.  I am so sad.  Why me?  Life isn’t fair apparently.  Sorry everyone that I close you out.  I don’t know how to express myself.  so instead I will sit alone and cry.  everyday.  I feel like my mom doesn’t tell me the whole truth of this disease and I know it’s because she is afraid.  I am too.  It’s not that bad.  It’s just not fair.

5/27

I feel out of place.  When it’s hot, I can’t sit outside in the sun, when it’s cold, my fingers lose circulation and freeze.  I’m different and I feel like there is not a spot in the world for me.  I thought about it last night and I don’t want to be a miserable, old woman, I’m scared I will be. The only time I’m sad or feel lonely is when the sun is shining.  I know then that I am alone because everyone smiles and soaks up the sun.  Lonely because I can’t even sit there. And they will sometimes offer to sit with me, but it makes me feel like even more of a reject.  They will remind me of my transluscent skin as though I have never looked in a mirror.  I’m just happy the pain is gone.

I could cry reading this! I was not me. I was a lonely and afraid teenager. But I guess the me that I know today was created out of the strength I mustered up during these years. This disease made me learn a lot about myself, people, true friendship, health, and respecting myself. Through this blog I will discuss self discovery, something I’m continuing to learn about today.

Advertisement