To best explain the brain of a person diagnosed with lupus I figured I would give you information straight from the source. I found my diary from high school and from it comes the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me, God!
Part of the reason I created this blog was to bring awareness to a disease that not too many people actually understand. I didn’t before I was diagnosed. I also want to create a place of understanding for those feeling lost. I wish I could talk to my sixteen year old self and say, don’t be afraid. While it pains me to reread my own sadness it’s something I wanted to share.
Here it goes:
why am I always sick? I’m sick of being sick. How many things can go wrong at once. I guess it’s funny that part of my disease comes with depression, why not? Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I cried myself to sleep last night. I am emotionally destroyed and I wish I never got sick.
This was before my diagnosis, when I was giving blood like I was selling it on the black market of Bon Temps. This is one of the most challenging times for someone going through the early stages of diagnosis.
I’ve officially had lupus for 1 week. I should be thankful they found it early. I can’t though. I am so sad. Why me? Life isn’t fair apparently. Sorry everyone that I close you out. I don’t know how to express myself. so instead I will sit alone and cry. everyday. I feel like my mom doesn’t tell me the whole truth of this disease and I know it’s because she is afraid. I am too. It’s not that bad. It’s just not fair.
I feel out of place. When it’s hot, I can’t sit outside in the sun, when it’s cold, my fingers lose circulation and freeze. I’m different and I feel like there is not a spot in the world for me. I thought about it last night and I don’t want to be a miserable, old woman, I’m scared I will be. The only time I’m sad or feel lonely is when the sun is shining. I know then that I am alone because everyone smiles and soaks up the sun. Lonely because I can’t even sit there. And they will sometimes offer to sit with me, but it makes me feel like even more of a reject. They will remind me of my transluscent skin as though I have never looked in a mirror. I’m just happy the pain is gone.
I could cry reading this! I was not me. I was a lonely and afraid teenager. But I guess the me that I know today was created out of the strength I mustered up during these years. This disease made me learn a lot about myself, people, true friendship, health, and respecting myself. Through this blog I will discuss self discovery, something I’m continuing to learn about today.