Recently I have become obsessed with the philosophical question: What is the purpose of life?
I had my quarter life crisis when I was 22, (ended a 4 year relationship, moved, began a career, dyed my hair brown) so this is not the cause of my new obsession. After my last flare I wanted to appreciate life more, because ultimately, what does this all mean? If there is nothing to look forward to when it is all over, then can I say I am satisfied with what I have done with the time I have been given?
Many of my recent fears stem from my lack of living out my early twenties. I never got a real case of the twenties which many people of my generation have experienced. Or maybe, many people in their twenties believe that they are entitled to experience. I am not going to complain- I can’t complain because I am fortunate in all that I have. However, I worked hard, I worked a lot, and I did not make as much time for myself as I could have. Maybe I wasn’t as silly as I could have been. What I’m trying to say is I only had my nose pierced for three months and I never got to dye my hair blue. Woe is me.
I wanted to take risks, but I was too afraid that if I traveled throughout Europe for a year, I could lose it all. If I kept my nose pierced on the interview maybe I wouldn’t get the job. If I was a little too loud or a little too crazy I would lose my job. Sometimes, I didn’t want to care, but I was so driven in my ultimate goals that I couldn’t break away from this script that I had planned out.
I began to feel like I was bursting at the seams and that my sense of purpose was skewed because I could no longer identify what truly made me happy. Is happiness being content? Is it making money? Achieving your dream job? Having a loving boyfriend, but you are unable to make time for him? I rationalized that if I put the time in now, it would pay off later. This was true, I was beginning to get everything I wanted because of my dedication, but the responsibilities began to grow, continued to grow, and the truth is, responsibilities will never stop growing.
My recent flare with lupus made me reevaluate so much about myself. Obstacles we encounter, as bad as they may be, aren’t always the worst thing for us. I needed a kick in the ass. I realized I needed to find my happiness and my sense of self. My mission led me to yoga, true friendships, an appreciation for myself, running, and now blogging. Through writing I find happiness, and knowing that I can reach even one person inspires me.
I recently became inspired by a movie Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. This movie did not get the best reviews, but I enjoyed it because it made me question my life. If we had two weeks to live, everything was about to end, would I feel fulfilled? How would I spend my time? Did I accomplish all I wanted to do? Am I happy? Isn’t this life we live in such an unbelievable journey? I finally feel like I am able to live.
I will leave you with this video. Click on the jellybeans and think about living.
I’ve felt the same as you. Kind of what my blog is about.
It’s nice to recognize we are not alone in our feelings. It is absolutely the uncertainty that comes with the age. Exciting, scary, confusing… When I was a kid and people would ask how old I wanted to be I always said 32 as though it was some ideal age. I still view that age like it will bring some stability to my life. Live in the now? Appreciate our youth? Or wake up and say, where did those crazy and uncertain days go?!
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