One of my personal favorite posts was written when I started this blog. In it, I explained why I started this blog as well as the struggles I faced when I was first diagnosed with lupus (trip down memory lane for the post!) How’s that for a Throw Back Thursday?
As much as I claim to be an advocate, having lupus still contributes to 50% of my anxiety. I don’t want people to know, but I do want them to know, but I don’t want them to create an opinion, but I want them to understand the disease… It’s a sick cycle. And then there’s the other component, my “survivor’s guilt” as a person that doesn’t have it that bad. I understand the ludicrous nature of that statement, but at times I feel like a sham when I discuss lupus. Maybe I’m just not giving it the credit it deserves. When I’m tired I never attribute it to fatigue, I just figure it was a long week. When my hair falls out I say I am a high-shedding girl. When my body aches I believe it’s because I put in an extra mile at the gym. I refuse to admit that my lupus affects my day to day life and It isn’t until I literally can’t walk or I’m breaking out in rashes that I acknowledge my disease.
For the past ten years one of the biggest issues that I maintain with having a chronic illness is that it has the ability to make me feel like I have no control over my situation. The reality began to come to me this year- I do and I have. Since my diagnoses ten years ago I have made decisions that have impacted my health- and fortunately, for the better. I chose to change my eating habits. I chose to start practicing yoga. I chose to try to run. I chose to sign up for a half marathon. I choose to wear sunblock regularly. I choose to go to sleep when I’m tired. I choose to forfeit a night out for my health. And while these choices are not always the easiest, or my favorite, I choose to do them because this is my life, my health, and my future.
Well, today I took a big step in my life with lupus- not only am I going to present on lupus, but I also signed up for the New York City walk in May. I couldn’t be more thrilled and terrified to put myself out there. As I feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, I’m proud to be part of the people that advocate for this illness, and I’m proud that I have people on my team- literally, and figuratively. We are the Lucky Thirteens. Four years ago we were a top fundraising team in NYC, here we go!