How lovely and fortunate am I to be sitting on my porch at 8:00 p.m. outside, sans shoes or socks, listening to the water to my right and the street to my left.
Tonight I sit with a sense of calm. Since the race, a short two days, I’ve had the ability to choose what I want to do, when I want to do it. Once I committed to the run, it somehow took over my thoughts and existence. Scheduling in training time and sacrificing plans in order to meet the demands I set upon myself somehow wasn’t that much fun. In the mix and excitement of training for the race, I lost my passion and enthusiasm for running. What a hard pill to swallow.
Last night I went to yoga to zen out and clear my mind. I wanted to just melt into the floor and allow my body to just exist. Running is so physically strenuous and demanding that simply existing doesn’t happen with training. Now, this is part of what I love about running- it’s a challenge against myself. But, it’s also what I hate. Sometimes I just wanna be. And melt. And now, with the absence of a running schedule to follow, my life seems less controlled.
What it keeps coming back to is balance in life. Too much yoga, too much running, too much scheduling, and penciling in and I feel like I lose me. I lose my autonomy because I am suddenly controlled by expectations set to a timer in my cell phone of things to do and people to see.
Maybe I need to grow up and accept certain responsibilities, but I also want certain freedoms if I can maintain them. Last night as I laid in savasana, I disappeared in my brain to a far away place. The idea of getting out of savasana seemed like a cruel trick, just let me stay a little longer.