Mom-isms never stop. You may even find that you will forever be your parents child as they send your reminder text messages. See exhibit A:
When I was sixteen my mother was my biggest health advocate. Each doctors appointment scheduled, fax that needed to be sent, blood work that I had to be taken to, and piece of knowledge about nearly every auto-immune under the sun became her mission. She was unstoppable.
As a teenager, I found myself a passive recipient of a present I did not want. As a result, I allowed my mom to absorb the brunt of the information. Over time I learned that passivity and health do not go hand in hand. As I began to advocate for myself both legally as an adult and because it became important to me that I become more aware of my health, my mom gave me the reins.
Her mom-isms did not vanish overnight as I would still receive the occasional: when do you see your lupus doctor? But for every mommmmmm that my young adult self groaned, there was the reminder that she saved my life.
This afternoon as I read her texts, I caught myself laughing. It took me too long to register that she was genuinely concerned. Mom’s right, she cannot make the appointments for me, but I can make them for myself.
I wonder how many of us did not receive a proper diagnosis or help because they lacked support where they needed it most- home. At 28 I’m still being scolded about my health, but I’m appreciative that someone can love me so much that they are willing to drive me crazy.
Don’t worry, I’ll get you back.
That must have been why I didn’t see you there. Not that too many people were there. Or anyone for that matter. It was actually just a party for one- THE Pity Party of 2016.
I would say that it was better than the Pity Party of 2015 and definitely better than the 2014 Party of Pity. Not quite as good as the one back in 2004, but I’m not sure any of them can beat that banger.
I would even say that I’m not sure if this year’s fiesta has come to an end. It’s kind of like when you are a kid and your birthday manifests itself into your birthmonth. Granted, birthdays are much more rousing than lupus and also contain a considerable amount less self-loathing.
Pity-parties are boring. Stale. Monotonous. Lonely. And I’ve been trying to end the soiree. But I want you to know that having a disease can feel a bit like quicksand in that the more you struggle, the more quickly you become in engulfed in the weight surrounding you. And if you ever are trapped in quicksand, check whether or not you are being weighed down by heavy items. If you are, release them.
Disease can make you miss yourself and ask questions like, where did she go? They can make you forget that you have accomplishments. That you are a fighter. That you have a sense of humor. They can make you forget that you are deeply loved.
Have you ever woken up after an ongoing sinus infection with a clear nose? You probably sat back and thought to yourself – nose, I will never take you for granted again. I love breathing and I will never forget this beautiful moment of nose clarity.
Years ago I started this blog as a reminder to myself to value both the grandeur and simplicity of life. The moment I realized how fortunate I was for my health and that I had the ability to challenge myself mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I hope you are never so unfortunate that you find yourself stuck in quicksand, but if you are take this advice: if you simply relax, the sinking will cease.