Always check your toothpaste.

If it hasn’t been obvious, my health has been up in the air recently. After two months too long with hives, I found myself on a mission to figure out what was going on with me physically. Here’s the deal with lupus: everyone is going to tell you, well, it might be your lupus. But it also might not be your lupus. And as a result, you may find yourself equally, if not more confused than you were prior to investigating your health. Well, who doesn’t like a good mystery?

Off to the rheumatologist, I went and was told- well, it might be your lupus. But it also might not be your lupus. 

Off to the dermatologist, I went and was told- well, it might be your lupus. But it also might not be your lupus. This visit came complete with a brand new topical cream! This topical cream so closely resembled my toothpaste that I almost died when I thought it was my toothpaste.

toothpaste

not toothpaste.

Whoops.

But these visits weren’t enough and the hives have made themselves permanent residents, so I found myself at the allergist. If you have never gotten an allergy test, and this might be weird, they are oddly satisfying. Essentially, you get stuck up with a bunch of histamines and it’s a waiting game to see what “pops” up. I know, I’m weird. As I sat patiently in the waiting room, the itching slowly began. Naturally, I hoped my prayers would be answered as I begged to the bread gods, don’t let it be gluten, don’t let it be gluten. And while it wasn’t gluten, it was eggs. And rice. And mustard seed. And suddenly, it was as though the only food I urgently needed in order to survive was a mustard frittata over jasmine rice.

As much as this pains me to do, I’m going to be responsible and follow my allergist’s advice. For two weeks: switch my detergent, no more fabric softener, use skincare products that are less aggravating, and cut out the food I’m allergic to. Then reassess. Real talk, I’m not ready to say goodbye to eggs- is it wrong of me to refuse to give up on them? I just feel like they wouldn’t give up on me.

Finally, I checked the mail yesterday and found a cookbook for food allergies. It took some real PI work (a post on facebook) but I found out this anonymous gift was from my mom. Despite the curveballs, knowing I have love around me, even eggless love, makes up for it all. And here’s the best part of all for my husband, if there is one silver lining: I meal prepped the hell out of this week and this little lady is about to get crafty in the kitchen.

That being said, I will take any egg free suggestions and yummy recipes you are personally fond of. Please! Share away, my friends!17097415_10102653851552172_6633664162230221689_o.jpg

Sukhasana.

Sukhasana means simple seat or easy pose- how amazing is it? See. You can do yoga too. 

Truth be told- I haven’t practiced in months. Since it’s easier than having personal accountability, I’m going to place the blame on lupus.

Lupus got me down in the dumps- to keep this light. Lupus made me feel weak and it made me forget what brings me peace. When friends asked if I wanted to attend a yoga class, I said no. The reason? One thing that I know to be true about finding a dedication to yoga is that it forced me to reflect. Not going to yoga was for no better reason than the fact that I didn’t want to think about my feelings.

Depressed. It’s an icky word that we don’t like to talk about, but lupus will do that. Do I have your attention now? Why does that word provoke a genuine curiosity? Hearing that someone is depressed creates a mixture of equal parts fascination, equal parts pity. Recently, in a lupus group I’m a part of someone asked: Do you struggle with depression or anxiety? The discussion evolved into a chicken or egg conversation. Lupus will make you fatigued. Lupus will make you inexplicably weak. It will make you struggle to find the words to ask “where are my keys,” because your brain legitimately can’t string together a sentence. It causes physical pain. It requires sacrifice.

I couldn’t go to yoga and face this obstacle. I couldn’t face it by myself, I didn’t want to talk about it with others, and I sure as hell wasn’t about to breakdown on the mat. And then my friend invited me to her new yoga class. And I genuinely wanted to be there and present, not only for her but for myself. I craved what yoga provided me with for years- sheer joy.

photo 1.JPGAs I found myself back on the mat and laying in savasana I made deal with myself to continue my practice.

To keep this vow, this morning I pulled out my mat, got cozy on my floor, and stumbled upon Yoga With Adriene through her YouTube channel.

photo 3.JPG

Title: Day 1 Practice Ease. And as she spoke, and preached her mantra: find what feels good, I decided I can get behind this. Today I practiced for 30 minutes. It was slow, full of ease, and she left me with something I need to make my own mantra:

In yoga, we cultivate the good space. The more we practice moving this way on the mat, the more we will move this way off the mat. 

Having lupus requires daily effort, but it’s my fight and I don’t quit. Life is complex, but find yourself and your purpose within it – even if you get lost or distracted. Today, as I laid in savasana and found ease, I also found a piece of my heart that I misplaced along the way.