Oh, I’m sorry… Did I say skin? Yes. I did.
They say pain is beauty, and as women, it can be. We tweeze, wax, wear heels, and modify our bodies continuously in a quest for some perfection that we as a society have created ourselves. I said we because I am absolutely a part of this quest and the truth is, I love things that are “beautiful”. I enjoy clothes, and makeup, and hair, and all things shiny and pretty. But at what expense people?!
As much as I love being a girl there are some greatnesses of manhood. No makeup. No tweezing. No real beautification. Any shaving a man does cannot match the length of two legs and whatever else we as women are expected to maintain.
This past year I looked into laser hair removal because I am lazy and if I never have to shave my legs again, good riddance. I met with a representative at Ideal Image and asked every question I could think of. There was no way I was walking out of there with something signed. I like to know what I’m getting myself into. I decided to wait it out because the cost was very pricey and I also wondered if I could swindle them down a bit. A few weeks later, and numerous phone calls from their reps (very obnoxious) they lowered the cost by 10% if I signed “right now”! I am such a sucker. Either way I did the math and figured that it would pay itself off by the time I reach 88, a little incentive to live a little longer? I rushed in and signed my name on the dotted line. And again. And again. And again. And don’t forget this line over here too. Was I selling my soul to the devil for this?
Since the goal of this post is to discuss my fifth appointment, I will answer the two questions that I believe are pertinent to this post.
but what’s your pain tolerance? you may be thinking, I’ve had kids! I can take on any amount of pain!
I have a very high pain tolerance for real pain. Low tolerance for things like paper cuts and bee stings. If I am truly in pain I suck it up and deal with it. Laser hair bring it on.
so, does it hurt?
Yes. Do not let the cute sales representative fool you. I never screamed, twitched, or cried on the table, but it hurts. If you have ever had a tattoo, imagine that, but worse. If you have never had a tattoo go watch someone getting a tattoo, imagine it’s worse. One nurse did tell me that a young girls mother had to “hold her down” while she was getting it done. Which I cannot imagine being legal on many levels.
So let me take you to Wednesday, September 18 at approximately 4:20 pm. This is my fifth appointment. The people are friendly and welcoming. I have a bottle of water in one hand and a coffee in the other by the time I sit down. Which I do drink. Gotta get my money’s worth out of these people. I am greeted by an awesome boho-esque nurse who introduces herself to me and we hit it off right away. I like to talk to the nurses the whole time because it keeps me distracted from the extraordinary amounts of pain I am feeling. It’s the kind of pain that makes you sweat. I noticed it was painful, but I just told myself to be quiet, suck it up, it’s almost over. Which I did. Until the car ride home.
I knew it was bad immediately because I called Danielle and told her I was dying. Yes, I know I can be a little melodramatic, but I needed to talk to someone.
me danielle, I think I am dying.
d since I don’t remember what she actually said I’m going to assume she scoffed at this because I say it a lot
me I’m so hot. I need to take my pants off.
d don’t take your pants off. Keep your pants on. You’re driving.
This conversation actually happened. By the time I got home my boots were in the passenger seat, my pants were rolled up to my knees, my button down was thrown in the backseat. I crawled through the front door of my place and laid on the kitchen floor because it was cold.
When I called Ideal Image their response was accusatory and not very helpful. They said that I must have been tanning. I explained that because of my lupus not only do I constantly wear sunblock, but I also avoid prolonged sun exposure. Well, you signed. You knew the risks associated with laser hair removal.
I passed out by 8 p.m. A full burn can really tire a person out. Have I run at all? No. Not at all. The pain makes walking difficult and even my legs touching the bed hurts. Forget wearing pants. maxi dresses all week it is. Needless to say, I am not too pleased.
The whole plan is paid for, no money back, no stopping treatments. I have already paid for 4 more sessions. Truth be told, I love the idea of laser hair removal. I love the ease that it brings to my life, but is it all worth it? No. Ladies, here is my warning. You heard it here. Not from someone getting paid to convince you it’s great. And gentlemen, remind your special woman, or woman of the future, how crazy we can be for the price of beauty but how you love us regardless.
Do you need more convincing.
These pictures were just taken. 2 days later, 2 days of healing. They are currently scabs and blisters if you really want to know.