Boring People.

I call myself lazy all of the time- this is usually as I’m sprawled out on the couch, phone by my side, iPad on lap, TV blaring Shahs of Sunset, or some other garbage Emmy Award deserving show that I’m not so secretly obsessed with. I’m not actually a lazy person by nature, but sometimes, in these moments, I feel like I could exist on a downward spiral of Bravo forever and be perfectly content. In other moments I’m zipping around the house, restless: Where are we going? What are we doing? I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored!

Please, universe, do not give me a child like myself.

I’m probably not too alone in the conundrum of the do everything and the do nothing person- but it’s exhausting. Can’t I just be balanced? It’s when an entire day has passed me by and someone says: “So what’s new?!” And suddenly, I feel like the most boring human in the world as I stare at them blankly as though the only words I can muster are “well, I’m finishing Orange is the New Black Season 3.”  Which is true, and I think it’s alright. Not as good as season 1, but what really is?

But there is a lot to share!

Today I finished day 12 of my challenge. The room was hot, beads of sweat burned my eyes, I took two breaks, but I finished. I want to tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Some days are easier (the days I take the “shorter” class, the 60 minute classes) some days are harder for no rhyme or reason. I have spoken to veterans of the practice that will tell you the exact same thing- maybe it’s what I ate before I went? Because I haven’t eaten in too long? I had too much water? Too little water? The time of the day? The humidity outside? The variables are extensive and have a great deal to do with your practice that day.

At the same time, there are constants.

I love hearing my heart beating in my ear and feeling my breath slow down as I’m practicing being mindful of my breathing. I love the exhaustion felt as my chest and stomach rises and falls in each savasana. I love reciting “namaste” to my teacher followed by the last savasana as the once brightly lit room has been dimmed and I can lay with zero thoughts, something I struggle with on a daily basis. I love when my practice is over and I stagger a bit out of the hot room to feel the sensation of the air conditioned studio. It is one of the best feelings I have ever experienced- 105 degrees to room temperature? Sign me up. This transition is a taste of heaven and it’s a reminder that you are a survivor of Bikram. And you do more than just watch hours of television.

It isn’t easy. If it was easy everyone would do it. And remember, only boring people are bored!

Now, off to the city to watch my little brother do improv- now that’s brave!

Yoga Flow

I love yoga.

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I love it to the point that I’m annoying about it.  I’ll admit it.  I will just talk your ear off about why everyone should do it at least once.

Even if they suck.

I feel qualified to say that because the thing is… I’m not very good at it.  (Crow, hell no.)

And even though I can do little more than a half-assed cobra, I keep going back.  Maybe it’s the personal challenge of it all- it’s something that you can clearly see growth in.  That moment when a posture just clicks feels like an unbelievable breakthrough that words cannot describe.  

I was not an athlete. ever. There were two defining moments in my life that made me this way (oh, I believe we are the way we are for very specific events that happened in our life.)  Both occurred when I was nine- gym class, fourth grade, I was picked last in dodge-ball.  What a crappy feeling.  Was I that bad in it? Or did my peers just not like me that much? It didn’t matter- all I know is that it hurt. The second time I was in a sports camp (isn’t it ironic– dontcha think?) My cousin and I were taking the deep water swim test where they label you a guppy, minnow, or dolphin.  I was labeled a minnow, my cousin was a dolphin.  I couldn’t swim in the deep end guys!  It was then that I decided I must be a terrible swimmer.  Swimming became an embarrassment to me.  And even though these events were so minuscule in the grand scheme of my life, they impacted me and my self perception so profoundly.   

By the time I was in eighth grade I was terrified of failure in sports.  I couldn’t stand to be bad at something in front of my peers.  I am aware that this is typical of many youths to have silly insecurities, but this is still something I struggle with and have been diligently working on.  I would want to try out for teams, but that voice in the back of my head was the loudest in the room- you suck and you can’t do a layup. You are a slow runner.  You have no coordination. By the way, I grew up in a very supportive and loving environment that was actually telling me I could do anything I set my mind to.  This was just my own set of crazy.  

So what did this all boil down to?  At the end of the day it was fear of failure.  I guess no one enjoys failure.  I was just particularly bad at it.  It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I realized that failing is acceptable and in many cases an excellent learning experience.  It has been a quest of sorts to come to terms with failure and to let it in every once in a while.  How much did I miss out on because of this fear?  To name a few things- volleyball teams, lacrosse, soccer, theater in college.  I can’t go back in time and yell at myself.  I can only learn from these mistakes and grow.  

This year has been a year of self discovery and personal growth.  I never want to be the person who isn’t dancing because I’m afraid of what people are thinking.  I want to live without these reservations because life is short.  One day I got out of bed and I was 25- and I don’t know how I got here.  

So this post was about yoga but I got very side tracked- I got here because yoga was always something I felt comfortable in.  I just felt like I belonged.  I could sit in a room. Close my eyes. OM. Say namaste and mean it.  Maybe it’s the people that go to yoga- maybe we are all there for similar reasons.  Maybe we are on a personal journey, mission, exploration of self.  I don’t know.  But when I think about yoga it makes me smile because it changed me and it has allowed me to become the person that I have always been inside.  

I don’t care if I suck at kickball.  I joined two leagues.  Volleyball?  Sign me up.  Oh, and sorry, I can’t serve the ball but I promise I’ll get better by the end of the season.  Running? 5K this Friday!  

Tomorrow I start doing hot yoga again and I’m super excited about it.  Can you tell?!

Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you can’t do something.  Even if you can’t, who cares?